35 today

Dear Cayenne,

I used to write a lot to my #dearfutureGG before. But seeing how adamant you protest at the mere mention of my having a boyfriend, I decided to write this one for you instead.

I'm 35 today. And while I'm not particularly ecstatic about that fact, I am, of course, thankful that I am alive. Life, in spite of everything, is still a blessing. At least that's what I've realized as I witness other people fight to live, even for just one more day.

Living is not easy. You wouldn't probably understand the entirety of that statement right now. At seven, I'd rather you leave the adulting to the adults. You just need to believe me - us, adults - when we tell you that studying, doing homework and going to Kumon classes after school will do you a whole lot of good.

I'm 35 today. And while I do feel happy to  have lived this long, I also feel afraid of the long life ahead. Alone.

Remember what I always tell you as I scrub your back whenever I give you a bath?

"Pag matanda na si Tita Ninang, hihiluran mo rin ako ng likod ha. Parang ganito." And you would reply: "Lagi mo naman inuulit 'yan, Tita Ninang."

I would say: "Eh para maalala mo. Baka makalimutan mo kasi. Wala nang maghihilod kay Tita Ninang."

This headstrong woman with a resting bitch face that makes strangers hesitate to approach worries about such a trivial thing as never getting a backscrub when she grows old and gray.

But the backscrub is just representative of all things that I'm afraid I won't be able to do for myself and by myself anymore 20, 30 more years down the road - like nursing myself back to health when I'm sick, cooking my own meals, travelling on my own. I really should buy myself a going-away package soon so that I wouldn't have to burden you or any other person so much when that time comes. You would just need to remind Papa to pick me up wherever I may be by then.

I'm 35 today. And while most people my age have pretty much settled down and settled in their careers, I'm on the brink of beginning anew. Again.

#throwback to 9 years ago

I'm scared. But I'm more excited than I am scared. I'm hoping that with this opportunity, I'll really be able to earn while doing something that I like. And that I'll have another chance to see the world out there.

However, this means I would have to be away again. I'll miss a few of those important events at your school. I would most likely miss your eighth birthday. We won't be morning carpool mates for sometime. We won't be able to sneak out of the house to buy juice or Coke from the neighbor's sari-sari store or just to stroll around the subdivision, chattering about the shapes of the clouds or your latest creative (Read: out-of-this-world) ideas.

Even if you won't find me in the next room most of the time anymore, I trust that we will remain close friends and allies. After all, our relationship started long distance. And we were LDR for the most part of it. But somehow, we became closer than ever. Sanggang-dikit. Exactly how we did that is beyond me because I can never make it work with guys I met online. (Okay... Okay... I get it. Bawal ang boyfriend. LOL.)

I'm 35 today. And while I do feel old and mature, I'm as clueless as anyone the day they turned 35.

Love,

Tita Ninang